J.S. Park: Question: Helping A Friend With Anxiety & Depression -- What To Do and NOT Do

jspark3000:

Anonymous asked:

Could you share some practical advice for the friends of those who are struggling with anxiety and depression? What should we do and what should we not do to best encourage our brother/sister during such dark seasons?

A great question, and thank you for caring to ask!  You’re already an awesome friend for it.  Thank you also for not diminishing the issue: anxiety and depression are very real, not just “in your head,” and can be completely debilitating.

Much of this will be common sense, but since I also struggle with depression, I have a bit of firsthand knowledge of being on the other side.

First, what NOT to do:

1) Please, no inspirational pick-me-up cliched lectures.

In fact, let’s also skip the innocent sharing of Bible verses.  When someone is anxious or depressed, there’s a crazy-thick shell around their ears that deflects pretty much anything, or will somehow reverse words into something worse.

What’s needed is presence. Even silence.  When Job got totally blown up and lost everything, the best thing his friends did (until they began to lecture him for 30-something chapters) is sat with him in silence for a week.

Please do not jump immediately to spiritual, practical, biblical monologues.  Please do not try to instantly relate and say, “Yeah that reminds me this one time when I also …”  Don’t point to a website or a Bible verse or a doctor (there’s a time for that). It can be very insensitive and it’s also a huge reason why Christians in particular look like robotic cheerleading machines.

2) Invite them out to something fun.

Most people who are Type-A “Fixer” personalities assume that when someone is hurting, then that is ALL they should talk about.  A Fixer presumes that if they just dig enough, use surgical words, have a caring tone, and press persistently, then we can get to the “root of the issue” and be done with it like a math problem.

While part of this is very true and noble, an anxious or depressed person is NOT only composed of their issues.  They are a whole person with likes, dislikes, wants, needs, dreams, hobbies, goals.  They also sometimes just want to eat a burger, watch a dumb movie, replay a YouTube video, listen to loud music, lose at bowling, fall down in a skating rink, catch a frisbee, run a mile, or drink hot cocoa.  Ask them: If you could do whatever right now, what do you want to do?  Then go do that with them.

Eventually you can get to the root stuff, but keep a holistic picture in mind.  When I was at the bottom of depression, I didn’t talk to the guy who kept poking at my hard heart.  I opened up to the ones who brought me candy and their dog to my house.  This is not shallow: because real human beings need a day off, even from their own brains.

3) Overjoyed cheerfulness to compensate does not help.

I’ve met some people who assume that an opposite attitude will lift someone out of anxiety/depression.  So “confidence” can somehow counter an anxious attitude, or “super-cheerful-perkiness” can attack depression. 

No.  I understand the reasoning behind this, but in the long-term it’s actually very painful.  I mean if you told me you wanted to cut yourself and I said, “There’s a sale on belts at Saks!” — that will hurt deep. 

It’s okay to get on the same wavelength even when you don’t understand their pain.  In psychology they falsely teach you to remain distant, detached, and emotionless when you counsel.  That doesn’t help either.  It’s okay to cry together, to agree that life sucks sometimes, to feel their anger, to share their concerns.  It will drain you a bit, but that’s part of being a friend and a Christian servant.

Here’s stuff to consider that you can do:

1) RTP — Rock The Prayer

When the time is right, pray for them on the spot.  I know many of us say, “I’ll be praying for you” and then forget, so just pray for them right there.  It might feel awkward, but most times people DO want prayer and don’t know how to ask.  Some people feel selfish, often thinking, “Oh don’t pray for little old me, there’s bigger stuff out there.”  Take the initiative.  Show them you care, now.  You will also be secretly teaching them how to pray.

2) Firmly speak truth that looks forward.

At some point, the truth has to be said.  We cannot stay in Pamper/Coddle/Spoil mode forever. Let them know: even if they don’t feel like it, they cannot stay crippled by their feelings forever.  They also are NOT allowed to use you as a whining board for self-pity. 

You know how when someone gets a cold, they act a bit sick even when they’ve recovered?  I don’t mean to say that anxiety/depression is the same way, but there has to be movement forward regardless of feelings.  When someone ends up quitting school, their job, their family, their church, or any number of commitments, that’s allowing the problem to win.  When someone can keep going despite their feelings, then they have won another day. Help them towards that victory.

Sooner or later, they must move into a new season of their life, because life goes on.  Anxiety/depression might be a lifelong struggle, but that’s more reason to move forward and not less.

This can be tricky, because we want to be sensitive yet at the same time call out childish behavior.  Don’t enable them to go backwards into pity-party reflexes.  This will require a lot of discernment, but please don’t feel like you’re being mean if you eventually have to pick them up roughly. 

3) Dig it out: heart surgery.

While clinical depression and diagnosed anxiety are formidable unreasonable beasts (see the next point), there are almost always tangible reasons why someone is so depressed or anxious.  Let them know first: it is NOT a sin and it is NOT wrong to feel this way.  But there is some elephant (or circus of elephants) that needs to be confronted, or else they will be paralyzed.

Just listen.  Sometimes when things are said out loud, that’s already halfway to a solution.  It could be family stuff, a stressful lifestyle, a secret sin, a past trauma.  It could be a lie they believe. Let them let it out.

Once you want to tell your friend to confront something, suggest the options.  When I lay out options for people (instead of direct commands), they always figure out the best one themselves.  Since they figured it out, they are more willing to do it AND believe in what they’re doing. 

4) You can always refer them.

Please never assume you’re the only one who can help them.  Sometimes we are in way over our heads.  If it gets very, very bad, you can always suggest medical/professional help.  Let them know there’s nothing wrong with seeing a counselor.  They can go to your pastor, an elder, a deacon, an older Christian brother or sister. I have my own counselor, and really: the world would be a way better place if we all got regular counseling.  Nothing wrong with it AT ALL.

Please do this with sensitivity, too.  It might look like you’re “passing them off,” but remain available.  I wouldn’t suggest this as a first resort, but I know when I’ve met my limitations as a friend.  I myself have been referred to other counselors as well. 

If your friend agrees, tell them you can go with them for the first session or so.  Maybe it won’t work for them or it won’t be the right counselor the first time: that’s okay. This is not a one-time thing.  Persistence and patience.

Great post!

Question: The Ground War Against Depression and Anxiety

Good advice =)

Defeat them lies! Also, this one’s got suiting up in armour =P:

http://thewayeverlasting.com/2012/01/23/the-warfare-of-discouragement/

J.S. Park: Question: How To Encourage Your Pastor (They Really, Really Need It)

jspark3000:

Anonymous asked:

What can I say or do to encourage my local pastor? I know that you are a pastor yourself and I’d like to ask you, a pastor, what pastors need to hear.

Thank you so much for this question.  If I knew you, I’d buy you any coffee you want and give you a long forty second hug.  I did write a super-long post on this before, but since ministry has gotten even tougher here in the last few weeks, I’ll go at this question again.

1) Please try to understand that your pastor is a human being with the same hopes, fears, dreams, anxieties, and worries as everyone else.

You ever get that weird moment when you see your teacher at the mall?  Like you think, “Whoa, my teacher doesn’t live in a subterranean lair trying to torture us with horrible homework assignments.”  He’s a real human being, with insecurities and a childhood and a real life outside of grading your papers.

If you take the “Pastor” label off the front of your pastor’s name and remove all those preconceived cultural ideas about a holy-preacher-man, then you know: he’s just a regular guy.  He’s been given a huge divine calling, yes, but even with that he’s still way in over his head.  He’s not indestructible against criticism; he is trying to listen to everyone; he has his own life; he puts on his socks one at a time; he occasionally watches the same TV shows that you do.

At times people only seem to want to talk spiritually-related stuff with me, when really sometimes I’d just like to get some ice cream and play some cards.  People are shocked when I let out the rare curse word, or when I talk about my favorite season of 24, or when I know that Will Ferrell meme.

While not all pastors are equally accessible, they are equally frail, tempted, and human.  We don’t get it right every time.  We don’t want to be on pedestals.  Unfair expectations hurt my heart.  And behind the pulpit is a real dude with real thoughts who really wants to be real with you.

2) If something was helpful, let your pastor know.

Many pastors find themselves in a brutal, punishing culture where they only hear from their church members if something went wrong.  It’s like all those imbalanced reviews on Yelp where the restaurant was “awful, bad lighting, waiter a moron.”  It’s our human nature to write a negative review; not so much a positive one.

Sometimes, your pastor gets it right.  A single sentence in his sermon spoke to you.  That prayer he prayed over you flipped a switch.  That outreach event, while not perfectly coordinated, stirred your heart with affections you never knew.  Some blog post he wrote really hit the nail on the head.  Simple: just let him know about that. Brag about your pastor to your pastor.

The realest of us don’t do this for compliments or feels-warm-fuzzies.  We knew going in that it would be ridiculously difficult.  But when God sends someone like you along, we are just about in tears.  It also helps us immensely to know when we are steering the right direction.  A simple word of thanks or text message or email or comment on his blog will boost his engine through even the worst of storms, and we will thank God for you all day long.  In my case, all year long.

3) All that stuff the Bible says about how to treat someone?  Do that for your pastor too.

When I was still a church member finding out this whole Christianity thing, I made it a natural reflex to pray for my own pastor.  When he messed up, I forgave him.  When he was long-winded, I was patient.  When he got convicted, I tried to spur him onto good deeds. And I loved on him like crazy.

What usually happens after a sermon is that we let the Holy Spirit play out with everyone else in the church except for the pastor.  I’ve found that church people can be particularly unforgiving towards a pastor’s mistakes while at the same time forgiving that horrible father of thirty years after a powerful sermon at the revival that the pastor stayed up all night praying for. 

I am not at all criticizing the church here or “tooting my own horn.”  I don’t deserve anything from anyone; I know I must earn my respect with the church people.  I was just always curious why we treated the pastor as a separate alien entity from the rest of the church body.  If my pastor became sick, why shouldn’t I visit him too?  If my pastor makes a common human mistake, why shouldn’t I be gracious to him? 

We talk so much about “unconditional love” in the church but can be so coldly conditional with the pastor.  I understand that: some pastors just suck.  False teachers will face total wrath in the end.  Yet there are so many decent, God-fearing pastors out there who are starving for the community and for the love that the whole church is sharing with one another.

Proverbs 3:27 tells us not to withhold good from anyone if it’s in our power to act.  That includes the least-of-these, that neighbor you can’t stand, the weird kid in your class, and your awkward hit-and-miss-sermon pastor.  Please remember to pray for him, serve him, love on him.

haha, defs guilty of thinking the pastor isn’t a ‘REAL person’ and sometimes wants to talk about ‘normal’ stuff.

FROM LEE IN TENNESSEE: Jesus Is The Only Way, But What Does That Mean For Me If I'm Already In?

leeyounger:

Fairest Of Ten Thousand #215

John 14:6

I hate backsliding. I hate the way it feels. I hate looking at myself in the mirror after messing up yet again. Thing is, I don’t hate backsliding for the same reasons I used to. I used to be afraid of backsliding because I thought that it meant I was disqualified from the love of God. I used to think that if I sinned enough or in bad enough ways that it meant God was through with me and I lost my place in His heart. I thought that I could somehow lose my salvation or out-sin His grace and forgiveness. I know now that’s not the way it is. Since I have trusted in Jesus’ offer of free grace, I know that I have forever been declared forgiven and righteous because of His work and not mine. I know I can never lose my place in His heart, but here’s the thing: I still hate backsliding. I just hate it for a different reason. You see, Jesus is clear about the fact that He’s the only way, and now I’m starting to see that Jesus being the only way goes deeper than me just getting saved. When Jesus says no one comes to the Father except through Him, I think He means more than simply being forgiven. I think He’s saying that the whole universe works according to His ways. He’s the only way to God, which means that any way but His takes me the other direction. When I backslide, I’m not losing my salvation, but I’m going against the pull of the universe. Any way but His leaves me desperate, lonely and dissatisfied, but walking with Him fills me with life and takes me to God.

To see more of these little posts about Jesus, Click RIGHT HERE

kinda similar to my recentish thoughts.

Lord, I will trust in You.: Where is God now? Where is God when it hurts?

iwilltrustinyou:

The Bible teaches that God reigns over the nations from His holy throne in heaven (Psalm 47:8; Isaiah 6:1, 66:1; Hebrews 4:16). Even though we know that God’s presence is in some sense uniquely in heaven, the teachings of Scripture also make it clear that God is omnipresent (present everywhere at the same time). From the beginning of Scripture, we see the presence of God hovering over the earth, even when it was still formless and empty (Genesis 1:2). God filled the world with His creation, and His presence and glory continue to inhabit the whole earth (Numbers 14:21). There are many examples throughout Scripture of God’s presence moving on the earth, interacting with His creation (Genesis 3:8; Deuteronomy 23:14; Exodus 3:2; 1 Kings 19:11-18; Luke 1:35;Acts 16:7). Hebrews 4:13 says, “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give an account.” Jeremiah 23:24 exclaims, “‘Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?’ declares the Lord. ‘Do not I fill heaven and earth?’ declares the Lord.” Psalm 139 is an amazing study in God’s omnipresence.

Where is God?
If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, God is with you, beside you, above you, and inside you. God’s presence and watchful care never leave you. If you are not a believer in Jesus Christ, God is right in front of you, inviting you, drawing you, offering you the love, mercy, and grace that He longs to give you. If you are unsure of your relationship with God through Jesus Christ, please read our article on how to “Get right with God.” Perhaps a better question than “Where is God?” is “Where are you, in relationship to God?”

Where is God when it hurts?
It seems we desire to know the answer to this question most when faced with painful trials and attacks of doubt. Even Jesus, during His crucifixion, asked, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). To the onlookers of that time, as well as to those who first read the story, it seems that God did forsake Jesus, so we obviously conclude that He will forsake us as well in our darkest moments. Yet, upon continued observation of the events that unfolded after the crucifixion, the truth is revealed that nothing can separate us from the love of God, not even death (Romans 8:37-39). After Jesus was crucified, He was glorified (1 Peter 1:21; Mark 16:6, 19; Romans 4:24-25). From this example alone we can be assured that even when we do not feel God’s presence in the midst of our pain, we can still believe His promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). “God sometimes permits what He hates to accomplish what He loves” (Joni Erickson Tada).

We put our trust in the fact that God does not lie, He never changes, and His Word stands true forever (Numbers 23:19; 1 Samuel 15:29; Psalm 110:4; Malachi 3:6; Hebrews 7:21;13:8, James 1:17; 1 Peter 1:25). We do not lose heart over painful circumstances because we live by faith in every word that has proceeded from the mouth of God, not putting our hope in what is seen or perceived. We trust God that our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs all the suffering that we will endure on this earth. So, we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, because we know and believe that what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal (2 Corinthians 4:16-18; 5:7). We also trust God’s Word, which says He is constantly working things together for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). Even though we do not always see the good ends to which God is working things out, we can be assured that a time will come when we will understand and see more clearly.

Our lives are like a quilt. If you look at the back side of a quilt, all you see is a mess of knots and loose ends hanging out all over. It is very unattractive, and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to the work. Yet when you turn the quilt over, you see how the maker has craftily woven together each strand to form a beautiful creation, much like the life of a believer (Isaiah 64:8). We live with a limited understanding of the things of God, yet a day is coming when we will know and understand all things (Job 37:5; Isaiah 40:28;Ecclesiastes 11:5; 1 Corinthians 13:12; 1 John 3:2). Where is God when it hurts? The message to take with you in hard times is that when you cannot see His hand, trust His heart, and know for certain that He has not forsaken you. When you seem to have no strength of your own, that is when you can most fully rest in His presence and know that His strength is made perfect in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

(Source: gotquestions.org, via iwilltrustinyou)

FROM LEE IN TENNESSEE: It's Okay To Cry - A Quick Thought On Depression

yep. And it’s really cool how God also provides people in our lives to talk with too.

leeyounger:

I’ve been getting a lot of questions and messages about depression lately, and I wanted to make a couple of really broad-stroke comments for all my brothers and sisters out there who are struggling with sadness:

It’s okay to cry. 

It’s okay to struggle. 

It’s okay to scream and lash out. 

It’s perfectly okay to be completely honest about your emotions.

Sometimes Christians think that you can’t be honest about how you feel when you are really down because life with Jesus is supposed to be about triumph and joy. And don’t get me wrong - Jesus did come to give us life to the full, but that doesn’t mean you’re never going to suffer or struggle. Sometimes you get down and that’s okay. Sometimes you will be confused, caught off guard and unable to cope and that’s okay.

The question is, what are you supposed to do when you do feel that way?

Some Christians would tell you that you’re supposed to just suck it up, put on a smile and just sing “Hallelujah, praise the Lord!” But I don’t think the Lord would tell you that. The example that those Christians would give you would be Job, who lost everything in one day, including all of his children in a massive disaster and famously said, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.” - But wait! Before Job ever gets to the worship part, he got up, tore his robes and shaved his head. Now, if you don’t know, tearing robes was a sign of absolute emotional unrest and distress. Calm people don’t tear their clothes. This wasn’t a ritual. It was a man on the brink of emotional collapse. He was furious. He was confused. He was unhinged to the core. The man grabbed his own collar and destroyed his garments by brute force and then shaved his head. He was extremely upset. 

The thing I want you to know is that two verses later, the narrator tells us that in all this, Job did not sin. You see that? This emotional honesty was right on the money and it enabled Job to get to the place of trust and worship. Job’s worship was remarkable not because He put a good face on his suffering, but because He gave full vent to his pain and then worshiped God in the honesty of his pain and confusion.

If you’re depressed, you’re not sinning. Tell God how you feel. Tell Him everything. God is not afraid of your emotions. God is no stranger to your heart. He already knows every twist and turn better than you do. You will never really get to the place of worship until you have first been honest about how you feel. Start there. Tell God everything, and when you have said it all, you’ll be ready to listen.

FROM LEE IN TENNESSEE: The Super-Encouraging Things About Satan!

hahahahaha this is pretty lol.

it also reminds me of the verse:

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 (ESV)

leeyounger:

You wanna be encouraged? Okay, then let’s think about Satan.

I know, that doesn’t seem like the most encouraging topic, right? Well, hang in there, because when you really think about the devil, there’s actually a whole lot to be encouraged about:

I mean, sure. He seems like a really…

Unka Glen: Reblog: Salt and Light Magazine

it’s like a great FAQ on unkaglen & co. =P REAL GOOD READ!!

unkaglen - CLICKY HEREEEE!!!! :

saltandlightmag:

If you’ve been in the Tumblr world for a while, you have most likely visited the blogs of, or encountered a quote from Unka Glen, Lee Younger, and Jed Brewer. These three gentlemen have been using this modern platform to share words of not just personal wisdom but…

Devotions to Him.: Submisssion!

d-o-t:

yours-devotion:

Romans 13:1-7

¹ Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. ²Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has…

I disagree, brother (or sister.. I don’t know to whom this blog belongs (do you see how pretentious correct grammar can sound??)).

But what did godly men in the Bible do when faced with this situation?

Let’s look at an Old Testament example first:
“‘The royal administrators, prefects, satraps, advisers and governors have all agreed that the king should issue an edict and enforce the decree that anyone who prayed to any god or man during the next thirty days, except to you, O king, shall be thrown into the lions’ den.’ … So King Darius put the decree in writing. Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.”
Daniel 6:6-10

Hello bros and sis’s,

I think the OP was focusing on the topic of submission, and how there are some areas in our lives where we don’t, and actively choose not to. The OPer didn’t look into detail about submission to earthly authorities when that would contradict submission to God. But that was a great addition to the post Dot =).

The OPer did touch on the fact that you obey and submit to authorities out of love for God (and for others as you pointed out) so it’s obvious that when God tells you to do something and (e.g.) the government tells you do otherwise, you listen to God. And whether you suffer for obeying the authorities out of love for God, or obeying God out of love for Him, the OPer (and bible) says: rejoice! =)

In particular, let’s look at one which pertains to the Great Commission!

Acts 4:19-20

19 But Peter and John answered them, ch. 5:29 “Whether it is right in the sight of God to listen to you rather than to God, you must judge, 20 for [Amos 3:8; John 15:27; 1 Cor. 9:16] we cannot but speak of what ch. 22:15; 1 John 1:1, 3 we have seen and heard.”

and that reference at Acts 5:29 which is for generally everything

29 But Peter and the apostles answered, [ch. 4:19, 20] “We must obey God rather than men.

Peace and Love.

P.S. The OPers reply is at Dot’s post as a comment. Go Disqus! [+there] =P

The Squeezings of my Brain Grapes.: Why Does God Use Suffering?

jedbrewer:

Anonymous asked:
Jed, I know that God does everything to His glory but why does it have to cause so much pain to us to show His glory to others?

Jed Brewer replied:

Well, my friend, I think there’s a few different parts to answering that.

If you’ll permit me to say so, I think what you…

I really liked how the types of sufferings were categorised. =)